The Voice of Imposter Syndrome

I struggle with self-confidence and imposter syndrome. To the point, I have discredited entire life experiences that have had a massive impact on my growth and ability. Most of the "confidence" people see is really a cycle of trying to validate myself to the people I care about. An attempt to be seen as capable and impactful at x thing in hopes of subverting the internal voice that I am never going to be capable or impactful at x thing.

I spent most of my adolescence and early 20's repeating this cycle in some form both personally and professionally. Self-sabotaging with poor choices at crucial points. Limiting the opportunities I tried; never pursuing what I truly wanted because of this internal dialogue. I naturally gravitated towards similar people, subconsciously hoping to fix the things I wish I could fix in my younger self.

Professionally, this voice has downplayed every important accomplishment while amplifying my failures. In some cases, this voice would overturn my value tree letting failure dictate my internal worth. I began to despise the entrepreneurial spirit I had, something I loved but didn’t deserve to even think about. Paired with my personal life hitting rock bottom, the failures took complete control, and I was unable to disassociate them from my own value. I was continually reminding myself of my shortcomings. From the belief, I couldn't have anything to add because I simply didn't know the "right term" for a concept to the fact I would never reach my goals because all I could do was fail.

Recently, though a slow process, I have started to make the conscious choice to take this voice, drag it into a closet, and beat the sh*t out of it.

Today, in a conversation with several colleagues, I shared a story that I had previously shut out and told very few people. Afterward, while driving home, it hit me, that voice is getting weaker and weaker. Yes, there have been a ton of failures, but there have also been massive learnings and growth that have made me the person I am today.

In high school I started an "apparel line" it was called Gymminy (🙄it was 2011). I found a graphic design student from the Seattle Art Institute, whipped up six designs (i.e. "Swolverine" ), sourced a manufacturer, and put them on a site I had built. I sold a couple and then ended up giving the rest of the inventory to my friends, what was appealing to 16-year-old Hunter was not appealing to the world (you are not the customer). Internally this was a massive failure; I didn't become a millionaire selling Gymminy products (ridiculous to even think about now). No consideration to the fact I learned about sourcing, price testing, and e-commerce basics.

Fast forward to my first year in the military, the entrepreneurial itch started again. I started building niche Instagram accounts and selling them to businesses that were not on social media yet. I would find a business, build a high-engaging Instagram account in their space, approach them with some analytics, and offer to run some tailored ads to show conversion and revenue capabilities. Usually, conversions would be extremely high (it was earlier in the IG days) and I would net a sale. My time became limited and I could no longer devote consistent effort so I stopped. Internally once again a massive failure, I didn't hit the echelon of revenue I wanted. No consideration to the fact I organically grew over 2m in audience across all the accounts, worked legitimate business deals with brands like MVMT, Snowball Money, & Shredz, and coached several dozen businesses on organic growth.

A couple years later I got back into apparel and built a brand appealing to the "patriotic" crowd. I focused heavily on organic and paid social as primary channels and grew the platform to the point we were profitable within four months. At the time, I was utilizing a variety of manufacturers and doing some production out of my home. It grew steadily to the point I began to outsource all manufacturing, inventory storage, and logistics. I began to seek out social media accounts with small to mid-size audiences in the same niche and print apparel as a "limited line" under my main brand. This grew to become a primary channel. I eventually got hit with a cease and desist from a much larger competitor that now dominates the space. I chose to fight it out in court and despite ultimately winning, it crippled the business. I sold the social platform and sold all our design assets to our legal opponent's biggest competitor (in a final act of defiance). Internally, you guessed it, total failure, I had to forfeit. No recognition of the social platform, building a massive evergreen email engine, successfully countering a cease and desist, and having a profitable enough business at 20 years old to sell for a significant chunk of change.

The story goes on, a few months later I went on to start another brand that would be the most successful thing I have ever launched. Strong enough to earn a spot on the roster at Gust Launch, hire several employees, receive several early angel investments, and run a round of funding. We built a deep network of influencers in the space, a network of social media accounts, and added two expansions to our core product offering. Interpersonal tension emerged between me, our team, and a partner ultimately leading to me exiting. Through the exit, I retained a large portion of the social platform which after several months of growth was sold to the US Air Force Recruiting Service. Still, in my mind this was a huge failure, I did not see it through. I internalized it as me giving up and walking away, despite the actual success it saw.

The voice of insecurity and imposter syndrome blocked the majority of these experiences from my mind, viewing them as total failures. I told almost no one. When I occasionally saw reminders on my desktop or phone and started reminiscing, almost longingly, I would be reminded of how I fell short in every instance. I would underplay any knowledge or experience I had and then become frustrated by feeling undervalued, all due to this voice refusing to recognize what I had done. Each one of these examples provided me with massive amounts of experience, new skills, and frameworks to apply throughout my life. They made me a better product manager, and a better leader, and equipped me for feature endeavors.

Through a lot of reflection, time with God, and deep work in more recent years, I have come to recognize these characteristics about myself. I have unwound the bad patterns and beliefs, choosing to recognize them for the learnings and growth they were. I would not be where I am today, have the insight I do, if it was not for these experiences. They built me and they will continue to serve me in the future. I have been extremely blessed with the opportunities that lay ahead. I want more of these "failures", because I will accomplish my goals. The voice is becoming nothing more than fuel along the way.